And So We Go Back to the Remedy
by Requiem for the Dream
Summary: Why cats shouldn't snort meth. Pure stupidity.
1. Chapter 1

**Summary: "Clip, the wings that get you high, just leave 'em where they lie, and so we go back to the remedy." Why cats shouldn't snort meth. When Whitewing and Thornclaw are the only sane cats left in the Clan, they must find the remedy to get all their companions sane again. Pure stupidity. **

**Yes, I know meth isn't meant to be snorted. It's something I've been going around school saying. I've been saying, "Don't do drugs! Don't snort meth!" to kids in Junior High and Elementary. One eight year-old told me to shut up. XD**

**This is probably going to be 1 - 10 chapters long. :D This was originally meant to be oneshot, but I thought of other things to include in it. Yay. This was originally posted on my other account, but it would end up delete a week later if it stayed on there. This was typed at 9:46 PM yesterday. I was bored, and I needed something to do. ****And So We Go Back to the Remedy**

**CHAPTER ONE: WTF is Wrong Them?**

I never was good at dealing with stress. It was no wonder that I wanted to commit suicide the day Spiderleg waltzed up to me saying, "Duuuuude, you gotta snort this meeeeeth." With that being said, he tried to walk off and stumbled to the ground, one of his hindlegs twitching like a kit on a sugar rush. Sighing, I decided to go file a complaint to Firestar, our oh-so-noble leader.

As I walked towards his den, I noticed Spiderleg wasn't the only cat under the influence of meth and various other substances that were probably against the Warrior Code.

Whatever.

Growling to myself, I pushed past a stoned Graystripe and a woozy Brambleclaw who was trying to hit on Whitewing. That, of course, earned him a large smack across the muzzle. Knocking a few cats aside, I finally made my way into his den. "Firestar, can I--" Now, even though I had gotten it on with Daisy and Sandstorm a few times, I was unprepared for this. Apparently, cats snorting meth did some crazy things to a tom, and I found Firestar mating... er... getting it on with Nightcloud. How she made it into camp, I'll never know, but she was obviously enjoying it.

"Oh, heyyyyyyyy, Hornyclaw!" Fiestar slurred.

"It's Thornclaw," I sighed. I quickly wheeled around and decided to leave; I didn't need to see anymore of Firestar getting it on with Nightcloud. Why did I have to be in ThunderClan? Why couldn't I be in the all-around-cooler ShadowClan? Surveying the area, I saw Whitewing score her claws against Brambleclaw's face. "Whitewing!" I called out happily as she pushed Brambleclaw away from her. Her green eyes flickered up to me, and I could see relief pouring out their dark green pools like a river.

"Thornclaw! Whew, I thought I was the only one," she sighed, licking my ear rather roughly.

"Me, too. By the way, where is everyone else?" I asked, looking around camp. When Whitewing didn't answer me, I added, "Who's sane and can probably actually pronounce my name correctly without making it sound like some sick innuendo."

"...I did see Cloudtail and Longtail manage to sneak out of camp once Leafpool started to sing about her adventures with Crowfeather and Onestar. After that, they disappeared. Now, Brambleclaw is trying to 'get it on' with me by trying shoving meth down my throat. I always knew there was somethin' wrong with him..." she sighed, too, starting to stare off at the sky.

"You know, we could just do the same thing," I replied, glancing around me warily. Whitewing shook her head and looked down at the ground.

"I'm afraid that's rather impossible. Ferncloud, Foxpaw, and Mousefur are guarding the exit to come like rabid dogs. Icepaw started to stumble past them, and Mousefur nearly tore her head off." Whitewing glanced behind her to see Icepaw knocked out.

Wincing, I said, "Ouch. I guess we should start thinking outside the box. Ya know, try other things. Expand our vocabulary. Have kits. Get into each other fur and start to--" Before I could finish my sentence, Whitewing hit me across the face.

"We're related, you sicko!" she yowled angrily and started to wave her tail in the air. I had seen many she-cats do that. It's probably some things women do to show their anger at sex-craving toms. "StarClan, you're starting to sound like Erin Hunter now!"

I suspected she was having a 'she-cat moment.' Ya know, bitch at a tom whenever the opportunity is given, PMS whenever you have an excuse, and she was currently using that excuse right now and was PMSing. "...So?" I meowed innocently, blinking with wide amber eyes. As Whitewing's glare didn't leave my frame, I mewed, "Fine. Let's get out of camp and get to ShadowClan!" Besides, I heard that Littlecloud could fix some damn fine martinis, and I was _not _about to pass that opportunity up. My Clanmates would be cured, and I would get StarClan's gift to all toms.

"Let's ride!" Whitewing called out cheerfully.

**Seriously, I have NO idea why I started typing this. 0.o It's 9:46 PM, and this took less than fifteen minutes to type and revise. So... yeah. Any of you who caught the Seether reference to the song 'Remedy' is officially my best friend, and anybody who knows why I put the "Who are you? Erin Hunter?" type thing wins nothing.**

**I think I spelled martinis right, too, so correct me if I'm wrong. And no, people, it's NOT martinies, so don't even suggest. (On second thought, suggest that. I need somebody to hit right now.)**

**-Ziro**

**P.S. Expect this to be around ten to twenty-five thousand words long. Yeah. This'll be done rather quickly. Since I don't plan on having an outline for this, I'll have plenty of filler chapters. (I mean, if they kep going, they would be at ShadowClan territory in less than a half-chapter!)**

**Let the madness begin.**


	2. Chapter 2

**And we're back for another installment of the fic that helps me relieve boredom. Please keep in mind that I have been doing the following too much, so I cannot be held responsible for any injury(ies) that may occur after reading this: Zoo Tycoon: Complete Collection, eating cherry cordial Hershey's kisses, drawing Rao and Ninetails from Okami, and typing. I will make each chapter a minimum of 1,000 words... because I can.**

**Now, any chapter warnings? Meh. If you're old enough to be on this site, I'm sure you can take a cat noticing Whitewing having a nice ass. If not, get off, wait a few years, then come back. Oh, and I have no idea how short this fic will be. I'm guessing anywhere between 10 - 30,000 words, okay?**

**SRSLY.**

**Chapter Two: Hardships**

Getting out of camp wouldn't be as easy as what I initially thought it would be.

One, Brambleclaw was definitely stalking Whitewing, and two, Firestar was getting it on with any she-cat that was within reach. In fact, just a few minutes, I had to threaten him to get him to leave me alone...

"Heyyy, Thornclaw," Firestar slurred and fell to the ground in a ball of orange fur. "Watchaaaaa doin'?" he flirted.

"If you don't leave me alone, I will play jumprope with your intestines," I threatened. The threat seemed to work, as Firestar quickly made a beeline for his den. "Whitewing! Whitewing!" I called out, looking all around me. Standing in the far corner of camp was Whitewing, and she was saying something. I trotted over to her happily. "Hey, c'mon, we need to get out of camp!"

"Thornclaw, can't you see I'm practicing?" Confused, I stared at her. "Observe," she said flatly. Striking a dramatic pose, she recited, "Even with the threat of saline prickling at the corners of their eyes, belated affection won its way past by the embrace of their lips, their bodies pressing closer while Larsa's hands caressed the mage-pirate's lithe waist, her forearms draped over his shoulders, fingers tangled in his chin-length, ebony locks as the silver mesh of her bracelet curtained over his collarbone." I let my mouth hang wide open.

"Shakespeare?" I asked idly.

"Nope," she mewed. "Okay, I had to get that out. Now, can we please go?" she added. Nodding slowly, we both turned to the exit of the camp. The former guards had left to go do StarClan-knows-what, and, in their place, Icepaw and Daisy stood firmly, their claws rooting them to the ground. "Excuse me," Whitewing began politely, walking up to Daisy. "May we pass?"

"Never!" Icepaw yowled and slashed Whitewing's muzzle. Before a catfight could break, I hurriedly jumped between the two of them and pushed Icepaw away.

"Get away!" I yelled at Whitewing, keeping one paw on Icepaw's throat to hold to the ground. Nodding, Whitewing leaped over Daisy and darted out of camp. I, too, quickly followed Whitewing.

Whitewing and I both ran on for a few minutes, not bothering to look behind us. "Are they after us?!" Whitewing called out to me, her long strides matching my even paces.

"I'm not looking," I growled back. Speeding up, we stopped our run at the edge of the lake. "Do you know the way to the ShadowClan camp?" I asked, pausing to lap up a few droplets of water from the cool, murky waters of the lake. Whitewing gazed back over to me and nodded. "...Is that a yes or a no?" I paused again.

"I think I know the way..." She trailed off and started to stare up at the sky. The sun sat nestled among the fluffy white clouds, its golden rays just barely grazing the forests below. Off in the distance, a few gray clouds were starting to steal the horizon. Whitewing sighed heavily and sat on her haunches, refusing to pull her eyes away from the sky. "I think we're in for some rain," she sighed.

I looked up briefly and nodded. "You think they'll come looking for us?" I asked.

"Who knows. I don't really care." She sighed again. "Besides, I have _deep writing _to occupy my time."

Cocking my head to the side and raising my eyebrows up skeptically, I mewed, "Really now?"

"Yep!" The happiness in her eyes died off slowly, and she cleared her throat. "Observe." She sat up straight and set her two paws evenly next to each other. "Her breaths went undeterred as he moved towards her, the rapid pounding of his heart not even causing her ears -with all their sensitivity- to stir. The placement of the moonlight prevented his shadow from creeping over her when he stopped at the side of the bed, resigning it to recoil behind him. For however long, he couldn't look away, no matter the sting in his throat when seeing she hadn't parted with the green and gold band around her finger - something he considered to be the lesser of his tangible offerings - , no matter how much he felt as a dense fool to have unwittingly left her in the wake of what developed out of their - or another male's - intimacy, no matter the dismal possibility - reality - that she'd forgotten the tone of his voice, his identifiable pace, or particular pattern of heartbeat."

"...Wow." I was speechless, really. "So, I think we should find some shelter for the night, yes?" Whitewing nodded. Getting to my paws stiffly, I slowly padded over to a small tree and layed down near its base. I kept my eyes focused on Whitewing's still white form, her green eyes scanning the undergrowth expectantly. "You coming lay down?" I called out as I tucked my forepaws beneath my chest.

"Maybe later," she mewed and bent her head down to lap up some water.

Wow. She has a nice ass...

**Anybody who caught the Pax Versus reference is my best friend. Seriously. Too lazy to proofread this...**

**-Ziro/Tainted Lullaby**


End file.
